So, 2020 was most definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. Sure, some of us had the luxury of spending more time with our loved ones, whether that additional time helped or hindered their home lives is another matter. I have found this year to be one of the most stressful experiences.

Undoubtably I am very lucky. I’ve been bless with supportive family and friends and will forever be grateful for my daughter, in so many ways. In fact, I think it’s safe to say she has been my lifeline!

In 2020, my life completely fell apart. My ex-fiancé left me for someone else (how he managed that when most of the year was in lockdown, I do not know, dedication at it’s finest), my dad was diagnosed with Cancer, I started university and I was just completely lost in life.

Now, I think it is safe to safe I am pretty proud of the emotional rollercoasters I have faced and never plan on getting on that ride again, but my goodness, has it been a shit storm!

First and foremost, the ex… the ex… well, umm, yes, the ex, what can I say? He made me feel so unwanted, so rejected and left me to raise his daughter in pieces and watch his life carry on as if nothing had happened. Don’t get me wrong, I am not naïve to the fact that we had our issues in our relationship but I didn’t think I’d ever be in the position I was in those 6 months ago. So there I was… 26, single, with a soon to be 2 year old, not knowing my head from my arse and I think in one of the most hardest situations I’d been in. It wasn’t the life I have envisaged for myself. I was broken, hurt, disappointed, angry, sad and all other emotions you could possibly feel in that situation. Obviously, it took time for me to be in a state where i realised I was worth more and I could love again. If I was to say I am completely over that part of my life, I’d be lying. I think that it is something that will definitely take a little longer than 6 months and a few decent nights sleep to get through. But I’m there, in that little zone where I feel like things are going in the right direction. I’m starting to feel ‘me’ again and I know that I will soon enough feel content to find love and happiness again…

Now, my dad. An Incredible man who will forever be one of my best friends. I was thrown into this hole of darkness, thinking ‘this is it’ and seeing someone you love so much, who has always been the rock of the family in the vulnerable position that cancer puts you in, was heartbreaking. He was diagnosis a month or so before my ex left, so when everything was happening, I felt at times like I just wanted to shut myself in a dark room and never leave! By the end of 2020 I was really ready to put my dads treatment and the year behind us. We don’t know where he is right now in terms of his health, he’s yet to get that amazing piece of news, but I continue to care for him, love him and support my mum as best as I can right now. Despite everything that they are going through they have been selfless enough to notice I’ve needed my hand holding too and I will never be able to repay them for how they have supported me recently.

In the midst of all this crap, I started university last September. I was all excited about the concept, really excited about making something of myself, starting a journey down a path to a new career and making a life for me and my family. Then… bam… dad… bam… the ex… bam…. caring for my dad… bam…. the little one hit her terrible twos and … bam…. I just have no motivation, struggled to concentrate and in constant state of writers block! Over the past 6 months, it’s improved! I’ve actually submitted what I think are pretty decent essays and I’ve found my flare for writing a bit (hence the idea to document my life) there is still that little devil in the back of my mind that keeps saying ‘you aren’t good enough, you won’t achieve, you will fail’. It sure does give me some determination to prove the git bag wrong but I do worry… am I going to get there?

This blog is a place where I plan to write. Write about now, write about everything that fills my head with those ‘what ifs’ and ‘buts’. I’ve never been someone whose life has been plain sailing, there’s always been some kind of hurdle along the way. I’ve become pretty good at jumping them! I just think that the hurdles of 2020 were a bit of a height and I’ve knocked a few over on my way through this time round and need a bit of time, help and support to pick them back up. (That was a great analogy, I’m proud of that one!)

So, until next time…

Kaycie xox